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Episode 94. Thomas Eppolito shopping stories

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Ladies and gentlemen, two and a half amigo welcome. If you're looking for a responsible mature podcast if you're looking for a lot of drinking random nonsense stunts in shenana you've hit the jackpot. It's the two and a half amigo with your hosts, Albert Scott and mark the Patriots or the Buccaneers, buccaneers hundred percent welcome, Thomas eppolito the guests for tonight on a podcast towered a while none of us have clementines earlier. So I'm sorry about that. And it was a very nice flower water jug, by the way, so that we sent you that was a that was a that was a gift from the show. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. You're welcome. So we're just yeah, we're talking sports talks. Alright. With with Tom Brady moving to Tampa Bay. Bill, Bill checks still in New England. Yeah. I do want to talk about gronk though. I really do. Like, like the whole coming out of retirement, right? To go and hang out with his best buddy. Best Friend. bunkmate. whatever else you want to do you think gronk is kind of like Aaron Hernandez maybe killed somebody at some point. Oh, my God. Or do you mean you suck Brady's dick? Which one are we talking about? Are we the ladder no more. Okay, little bit of all right. Yeah. What do you think? Do you think it's a location though? Oh, Florida. Are you kidding me? Like it's they weren't they I mean, they're gonna break during COVID it's I think it's probably they brought the retirement homes down there. So I just want to be closer to its location. It's Brady. It's Mike Gavin. It's so many weapons that are down like the team is just primed to have a good run. I'm excited to hear this go on. Yeah. I mean, I'm a Steeler fan. So it is what it is, you know. We didn't have a pig in the first round, but we did get Minka Fitzpatrick, which was, you know, couldn't really ask for anything better than that. Did you hear about the rumors that the Steelers are interested in Aaron Rodgers? No, but I wouldn't be mad to hear that. Where Who's your choices? Google mark it was one of the news outlets I can't remember which one but I saw it sounds yeah it sounds credible Yes. I believe you Google Aaron Rodgers the Steelers at some point come up. I'm gonna do that as soon as we're done well, if you would if you would just have a Miami hat on right now you need all right. I can't I can't do by in Miami but the best I can do. Our own show Halfamigos person like where did you Yeah, that's Rugrats hat. That's fine. Well, Greg, you're not the you know, you're not the first person that fucking seen that either. Really? No, we've had some no The other one was Yaga Yo, yo. Yo yos Trishna said that boil it looks like the yo sign, which I did. I designed that so that's what Tom I want you to meet Joe audio from yeah about that. I have that same thing around my neck. Yeah, he's wearing the comb I know. I look I actually look like a Jewish guy with like a like a nice chain on with this thing. The beard like why'd you do this? Oh, like a nice cheer. I do. Is there nice? Have you guys watch hunters yet? Yes. What does that Amazon show? Yeah, it's on amazon prime. And I'm taking my clothes off for you guys. Wow. Yeah, looky here. You know, I'm trying to be I'm trying to grow Are you wait yeah read the drop coins in and see you say Oh guys send Mark catch me on my own. Oh here we go. fans want us you want to show a little skin off your skin all right here we go today for the podcast I got Nick dancy It was a parting gift that we sent you right? Was that the last piece of clothing to become naked? The camera lower. You're wearing pants you're doing it wrong? Yeah, well we had a pants off the pants off earlier before he showed up. Yeah, so the only thing I am wearing is this shirt. I have everything on episod I have shoes on. That's a rare Right now I have shoes on as well. Okay, why do you guys why do you have shoes on in your house sir? Because okay show the house shoes. Now that really good question I was about actually I was about to go for a walk around the block before I saw you guys were on so thirsty here. So you show the shoe show this show your Yeezys you already know oh here we go Nikes Nikes I call Nikes no I say New Balance that's a good Batman shoe when we don't have to bend over Yeah, there's no there's no laces. No laces. Exactly. very honest. What was the last time you guys tied your shoes? Come on. I get that as I that's comfortable enough. I can just slip it in and out. You know 1989 99 Yeah. Greg away from Velcro to these. So and that was it. I don't even notice shoe laces looks like Yeah, sounds about right at the time and I thought automatically. There's not a lot to say funny about shoelaces. So I just left it. There you go. That's smart. Take care of it. I don't think how much weed Have you smoked? None yet? I don't do that. Oh, okay. I didn't know we had the everyone from the dare program on the podcast. Yeah. I have a program that I want you to check out. Thomas. Okay. intervention. It's a couple. It's a couple steps. It's a couple steps. It's gonna get you what you need. We're going to get you on the right path and you're going to be happy with you and Jesus. It sounds like Call sounds like you guys are gonna give me a you know, no, no, it's just you know, a couple people having fun telling their problems. I know this guy named Joe. He's in jail. He's a nice guy. You should meet him. Yeah, he's on the podcast series right next year. Joe. This is a social distancing intervention. Yeah. Did you win? Did you win? No, I got one more. No. Is that your meal ticket? This is what you do. You do nothing in quantity. My girlfriend's like, what do you want to do? I'm like, we're doing it. Okay. There's not crossword puzzles. Is that you mean? Well, scratch or scratch tickets. crossword puzzles. Gotcha. You know, how is life as a comedian with COVID it's obviously not fun, funny. There's, I've got a you know, I've, I think it's a good and a bad thing. It's bad, obviously, that you can't perform. But I think it gives a lot of people a lot of opportunity to actually get to writing and starting figure like forces to work on things maybe you necessarily weren't doing before this. So I've got a I've got a new I bought a gun during the quarantine, bought a gun. Now I've got a good six, seven minutes bit on it right now that I'm just excited to start testing out and start trying so I'm kinda, I'm chomping at the bit to get going again. So we've got like a DUNS and Lunchables, Lunchables they make, they make a guest appearance there, but those two do go hand in hand for sure. Yeah, they do. They do. I'll give you the beginning of the joke, right don't don't release this live on any podcast or anything like that. Right now. I got a gun, but I don't think I should have been able to because I bought a gun and Lunchables in the same day. That's true. Yeah. Yeah, I think if you eat kid food, you shouldn't be able to get a gun. Like if your three sons we needed to talk. Oh, hold on, was it an actual lunchable? Or wasn't the adult version? Oh, it was like I thought in the store and I said Don't mind if I do. Did you get the one with a drink in it like a Capri Sun too? No, it wasn't. It wasn't like the upgraded version. It was normal, the normal version. You know, he's in the thing. It's just plastic. I think that melts on your user cans. Yeah. Seems about everything we eat these days is so yummy. Talk about that a little bit though, like the answer. Or kid Yes, cancer. No. Kids, but now they've made adult lunchable Yeah, like because adults are trash. We should Food is not meant for ups. Okay, it's meant for kids, but some adults said I won't eat it too. And then here we are putting I don't know what they're putting in these adult ones. I'm gonna buy one in. You know we should do we should do another podcast okay? And we get one of a bunch of different kinds of Lunchables and we just review these Lunchables live on air. I think a million million dollar idea right now though I think we should make like a lunchable that comes with like, you know, the crackers, the salami and cheese, and then like one of the shooter of like jack daniels. Oh, it isn't an adult lunchable at that point, right? No, no, what you need is an overdraft fee in adulthood. He just opened it up 35 Fuck, I hate Lunchables. An adult lunchable you can learn Yeah, that's pretty good. That does make you open your eyes to adulthood. Right? It's just an adult. I hadn't made when I was 17 fuckness 18 she overdraft $35 I've had some reasonably sir. Yeah, let you know how things are. It's a touchy subject, I imagine. Yeah. So do you call them and say hey, waive the fee or what? You can do that they let you only do that a couple times and they kind of catch on like a piece of shit. Maybe just figure out your money. You know? Hey, you can't buy ours. You can't buy eight Lunchables don't hit on only fans $20 if you only have $5 in your account. Yeah, lunchable just cost you 65 Spin the dollar draw that that is a real story my X, Y or Z or X, it will start at $2 lunch. He had like no, she had like $25 in her account. She was like I get paid tomorrow. She's like, let's just go out to eat. I'm like, that's not a smart idea. You're gonna get an overdraft fee for this like $12 meal. All right, we're gonna pay $36 for this piece of bread at Panera and she did it and listen, I thought the store was gonna be better than it was two go to like Del Taco and get the family meal you went to Panera and you go Oh, you go to Olive Garden and get like the fucking take your meal home and you get your meal and you take your meal home Olive Garden you think, honey sir Do I Give me the time soon I'm not going to Olive Garden that's true so that there should be a buy one get one free Lunchables situation somewhere Red Lobster is reserved for holidays like Easter in the day Lord. Discuss praising cheddar Bay biscuits in phrase. Those are good. Those are good. I've never been there so I this is Red Lobster not to their bread. I don't like I don't like it's a good thing. Don't go you're gonna get addicted. It's the poor person seafood buffet. Oh, yeah. You think like, I grew up in a small town where Red Lobster was fancy. I thought it was fancy for like a long time and didn't realize trash people standing up and hang out, you know? Same. Yeah, it's a. It's a great place though for cheddar Bay biscuits and really just ate yourself even more after you're eating well got so many better places here in the valley that you could get seafood from the salt cellar long john rovers and talking about max we talking about the exact same thing. Same thing that our premium date area. hush puppies, bro come at me Those aren't I haven't had those in so long but I bet you they're so good. Do we even still have a long john Silver's even originally like I don't think that's a thing that was during the years Dunlap and chemistry was one over here I mean comedians go over there but civilized folks they don't go there. You are want to go there. Yeah. There's one over here marked by the by the Costco. Oh by the Mormon Church. Okay. Yeah, it's a taco bell. Anna long john Silver's. Yeah. Yeah. Talk about long john your slippery slope. So if you want to get murdered and have a hard copy nice patriots, because a lot of pyxis was around in a short period of time. Yeah, I mean, we're in round two now the draft three. Oh, we already already. So you're actually watching the NFL Draft. It's on in the background right now. Okay, it works next. I'm excited to see who they take. We're probably not going to use you know, we brought this up a little while ago, but what do you think of Green Bay? drafting a quarterback? I just like the drama aspect of it. You know, it's like, there's nothing to watch. So when there's something obviously like the traffic and just take your mind away from or you have some kind of new football news. It's kind of nice, but I mean, I think it's insane. You know? Yeah, everybody else thinks it's insane. You've got Aaron Rodgers. Yeah, come to the Steelers, please, actually, so I don't know what the. I'm gonna. I'm gonna let them know that the Amiga podcasts that Rodgers was coming to the Steelers. I'm telling you your first year after you after we get off here, Google Aaron Rodgers and then hit the news tab. Scroll down just a little bit and Steeler nation comes up okay? Is it when I saw it initially I was like there's no fucking way but now that things are like panning out and you talk about how when Aaron Rodgers came in the Green Bay when far was there like it just make sense now and it's not fun. You know, I think this is not related. But I think you need to live laugh love behind you. For me. You don't have enough work. There is more. It's my wife. It's my wife's wall. Obviously. We're both in that wall. As like a book on it. You know? You can you can live through life on the wall for sure. Any if you're sad come to your house and read these uplifting lists. Well that's my life. Yeah. Life slash wife, huh? Yeah, life slash life. So what's the plans after COVID? Tom? What do you got? You didn't a lot of the Mike's hard You know, saving up money going out to LA next year. Moving out. Like you're moving to LA moving to LA. So Oh, that's gonna be really trying to get a good, really good 10 to 15 minutes just can't miss and get out there and just do it. And okay, I'm gonna need you get an apartment where like, I could come in and crash sometimes. Okay, I gotcha. Anybody else? So yeah, like, come out and Yeah, exactly. Well, I'm getting along together. Uh oh yeah we do all the time. Or just get a couple studios and he'll he'll he'll cuddle with us too but Oh yeah. We don't need much room we just need a little bit so even if it's like a shed in like a corner like a nice Costco dog pillow, and we're just all sleeping the corner. I'm gonna get you eat your own bedroom. Don't worry about my God. Yeah, all that's gotta be. That's cheaper. 50 bucks a month. Yeah, you're here to be 70 good. Now's the time to move though. They're like tightening down in this rent control sheet. So now it's time to go. Or go there now and be homeless and live in one of the hotels for a while. Isn't that cool? For the COVID people. A lot of a lot of the kill Tony guests. They come up and they're like, yeah, I'm living my car. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I mean, there's a lot of delusional people here. There's obviously even more out in LA. Yeah, but I mean, don't get me wrong. There's some people that go out there in a car and that are funny, but there's a lot of unfunny people in cars. There's more unfunny people in cars than there is money people in LA. Yeah, but the sounds like a Jerry Seinfeld's kid a lot. That's where you go there's a lot more tears in cars and there isn't laughter hold on I see this. Star of America strippers Got Talent. What? What is that? What is nice? Is it just STD testing strippers, and if they don't have a disease they when they know, put it there to see if you would actually notice it. Nice. Smart. That's smart. Yeah, it's brilliant, brilliantly. Guys, we're gonna do that more often. Tell me what is that one behind your shoulder say the white one with the black letter that says right here. Yeah. This which one is the other one? Yeah, this one. That's a lot of reading, man. We'll just say it says remember as far as anyone knows you are normal family. That's a reminder the various Yeah, I like making fun of you. It's because it's a normal family. You're not normal. She's like, hey, just remind me act like we're normal for five minutes. Yeah, so just so just so we know if we had a cut off to the kids had tails. So just so you know, we're a normal family. Okay. I was going door open, but you want to go Yeah, okay. Yeah, you know, I go to the extreme. You've been a little quiet there. I didn't really believe your Wait a minute. He's like, I better clarify that. Yeah, I'm swinging from trees anymore. Whoa. Oh wait, I didn't mean that. I was thinking tail wise but hey, nope people the wrong way. Yeah they're still alive. It was way funner before you showed up I mean I better shut up on time. No. Yeah, no, no I was actually really geared and excited for you to come back on do because I just when we did it the first time like we weren't able to go live like we are now. Yeah. For Cameron. We're just having technical difficulties with the camera or whatever. But We had a great show when you were on the show. It was a lot of fun. So I was glad that we were able to like, communicate and try to get you back on again. I'm glad that things are going well. You got naked on the podcast. Yep. Awesome. Yes. It's almost the first and oh, no, she didn't. She was off desperate times call for desperate measures. Yes, exactly. Yeah, we're in a desperate time. Do you know anybody that has COVID or anybody that has come with I don't even know anybody that knows anybody. Oh, so it's that far extended. that far. It's a fake virus put on by Russia to get Hillary Clinton elected. The reptilian overlords are then Bill Gates to the part of it. No, I'm kidding. It's a we have a buddy that's like 150% dived in that. It's five G's has something to do with 5g. You know, I got a buddy. That's talking about 5g too, and I haven't done any research. So I'm just gonna mean I don't know, you know? Yeah, that's us too. It's hard. It's hard to for one thing. I will say our buddy does the 5g thing and then he also does think he thinks the Bill Gates thing too. Well, Bill Gates pause. I've been doing a little bit of research on Bill Gates and there's some sketchy shit there as far as when it comes to vaccines and him testing out random vaccines in like Africa and stuff and a lot of people getting hurt. It's a whole thing. You know, billionaires doing billionaire thing. Are you having a good are you really having a great time? Or is it just you putting In the private chat Oh, it's only private Damn. You have to go to you have to go to the Facebook and then hit the chat there is a comment I don't know if you can see the comments but like I can see yeah gyms are close supposed to say yeah, I was definitely gonna go to the gym for sure. That was that was it it's the gym is one of most upset. Okay so have you please get not choppy and weird? Well, it's fine over here. Yeah, I think it's your connection. Yeah, it's I think it's just you, buddy. Yeah, it's it's you, Scott. Yes, I think you should go. My take a five and then get back to it. Yeah. That's fine. I can go conquer And tell them you're connecting this trash right and you want Mr. Cox come fix it at least this big yeah that later I have a hog right he's gonna have a hog just let it buffer out dude there you go do me leave no just buffering yeah buffer oh yeah sorry my brother not being here cuz you'd be the one that I know. I know. I know it's still hard for you though either way Joe actually has been kind of quiet here since Tom came in. Oh, what? off right well you should actually get on their podcasts also yeah views music reviews. All right, little antics, skits, improv comedy they Yeah, they're they're way more dived into the comedy scene than we are when it comes to actually doing skits and stuff like that. I'll never do this podcast again. Thank you for that. You're welcome. Thanks, john. Yeah, well, here let me because I know things are like kind of bleak with like, what's going on and you're not being able to stand up or anything like that. Do you have any advice for someone that's starting in comedy? Somebody they wait, it do it. I mean, it depends on your goals. If you want to do this to actually make a living. You gotta you got to do it as much as you possibly can. You got to write as much as you possibly can. You got to really try you're going to go over your material, you gotta go up enough. So it's just it's one of those things that takes so much time to get better that you can't half after, you know what I'm saying, you can't really have asked your way to getting good. You got to all or nothing right? Gotta you got to put it in. I'm not because there's so many people that are working on that are going up a ton, that if you're not doing what they're doing, you're gonna be left behind. You know, let's say you're writing right? Yeah. What are you using to like kind of formulate your jokes. So the first stories, right? The first thing I do everybody's process is different for me. Yeah, I think of something so it's like I got a gun and then I went to the store later and bought Lunchables so that that was just I don't know why that was just funny to me. And so it was like, I like some funny about that. In the whole gun thing, like when I got a gun, I got a Glock 44. Okay, I didn't understand that it was a 22 caliber gun so it's not it's not strong like so when I first thing I did I get home and I go on the Glock page and I scroll down and there's two women holding my gun. Exactly. I don't have anything wrong with if you're a woman want to shoot a gun shoot a gun, but like I have a complex issue and I want like a guy with tattoos and a tight shirt holding my gun. You know, some couple women. So right. They're like, Oh, this is not good. Those two blocks up, right? Yeah. And they said, I looked it up and said it's great for small game hunting. I'm like, I bought this for protection. Okay, I get them. I'm safe. Have a duck walls in my apartment is what I like. Someone's gonna break in, right? You're gonna shoot them at least Eight times when asked the question I felt the sting is BS in your apartment. I'm pretty sure they're asking you that question as they're tying you up. Yeah. stealing the rest of the sheet. Every every video I've watched for the gun if that was a fun gun, I'm like that's cool. Terry, I don't want to pull it out on you shoot me and then I'll shoot you. Hopefully if I can play fucking tag with it. I called it I got a I got a Glock 17 I got a nine millimeter. Okay. Got a real good. You went from a bug hit me to I might have got a scratch. Yeah, exactly. It's like oh, that's gonna legal brooms tomorrow. Okay. So did you do any you didn't do any research whatsoever before you bought on it? No research. Why would I do that? No, no research I mean when you decided to turn it in and then get an millimetre use any researcher what No, no, no. I research after I bought the gun. I bought the gun. I'm doing research I'm talking to a friend and realizing that this probably won't save my life in emergency and I should probably get a nine millimeter. So then I sold it to a buddy of mine who bought it. And, and, and then when I bought my Glock 17 and we watched john wick, so I'm pretty, pretty much yeah, you know you're doing Yeah, you can shoot anybody easily with one click. I close the blinds. Done. That's it all the way What you're doing right now oh super high elbow and just pop up that's that's how that's how john wick shoots everybody yeah yes you need you choose a nine millimeter over anything else though I don't know they just people saying nine millimeter is you know the kind of go to for self defense as far as was it was a rap songs yeah I would say rap rap music by the rap game The only thing I am concerned about is 59 are you what are you how many do you take 50 to 89 was a nine yeah he took like nine or nine nine millimeter shots so that should tell you not to buy a nine millimeter if 50 kids no no that's just how bad the shots were. No. Yeah, it is inhuman though like he points either you gotta get hollow points. You You do? Yes. Those are definitely self defense, headshots. Well, he just got his gun so he's got the time practice. He got nine shots. I've been to see he was he was survived by nine shots. Nine shots. Okay. Wow nine millimeter. What the fuck? You're your own Joe Rogan who me guy? yes yeah no that's my god that's my god you are so is that what happened to your dog? Is that why your dogs if you shot him there was a cat? Yeah Oh I mean I do not know animals so I was a chipmunk you were holding earlier. Tiger Tiger King was at the tiger Have you guys talked about targeting by the way? We have yes once or twice or 15 times. Yes. Because that's what's everyone's at the top. Yeah, yeah. What about anything watching the other documentaries make millions or anything like that? I love that last night. I did. I watched two episodes. So pretty crazy. Pretty crazy. I just finished hunters, which is not a documentary but what is it about non Jews? It's a good one. It's good. You know, it's great like it opens up crazy and hooks you in. It's kind of the first few episodes are like HBO ish with you know, nudity and highly inappropriate things that will tie you you know, hook you in and keep you there for a little bit. But you know, story gets good. Yeah. Yeah. Welcome Teddy's a watch couple episodes. How That's true. You should get people understand the formula. No, but it's good like it opens up talks a little you know, German. Yeah, things and then all of a sudden there's Jews that are killing Nazis and then Nazis are there and you're like what is going on? And then it's you know, it's a big battle royale versus Jews in Nazi you're like I can't not turn away right now you're being because the story is that Nazis came over to America and we're like running the EU like they're part of the US yeah these guys are then hunting them like these do Jewish people that were trying to get these guys that were obviously war criminals yeah that's kind of you know that really good idea documentary. Now it's a show it's a show buddy is loosely based on Because they they did do that where they they went down Yeah. Or where they went down to Argentina and got some of the people that were that they hit down there so there are documentaries on that so yeah, but this is total I think this is kind of just feeding off of that and like basically being in the United States and like showing that kind of getting the whole involved in the government and stuff. How soon until we're shooting each other before the paper guys what do you see over under this it's weird because since all this happened, like I was kind of, okay on stock, right? And then things started or nothing people started the people are things whatever, they panic by buying toilet paper, and then eventually my wife went to Costco and stood in line and got toilet paper and now I have a decent amount it can get me to the next. I don't know I have a month at least worth of toilet papers. I I can't see myself not having toilet paper for a while, but you got to think about it this way. Is it a month's worth of toilet paper? For the old lifestyle? You live compared to the new quarantine lifestyle? Huh? Wow, that is what I do or you know, now you're all home so you're using a more what is the internet? Well, we're kind of at its very true. Yeah. Oh you're taking your two ply cutter and a half you do a tour. You get a slice a sheet. Yeah, well, there's somebody that was doing that some lady that was a dumb fucking fake shit. Well, one thing I've noticed because it is kind of like harder to get so you kind of get what you get. I've been buying the more expensive like brand just because that's kind of what's there. And it's so much better. Like you're really Realizing Oh my god, finally Sharman before graduated from one ply now Oh my God. That's a cloud down there. You take the route Chris take Oh my God, that's good. That's a that's a such a sour subject group. Chris. Why is that? Oh, they took their trouble in dollars and then they decided to give it back and they realize that they're not able to pay their employees just news wise. It's not a good story. I don't pay attention to the news, though. smarter. You're, you're a comedian. I mean, where do you so you just base all of your stuff off of life experiences versus like going in or my like perspective on thing like I think something's like it's more like that. I don't really do any topical stuff. You're gonna have to mention something about Coronavirus up front. I feel like you know what I mean? Because my for the gun, but it's gonna be I don't know what exactly what it's gonna be something like, people were acting crazy during this. I went out and bought like people bought toilet paper, I went out and bought a gun. And then I'm just gonna go into my experience with the gun thing. But the quick lead in that everybody can kind of get in following you know, and then just go into my material. Gotcha. Whatever else. And like one day I heard somebody was a little person say that midget is their N word and I'm just like, you don't get an N word. Okay, like all these people that say this is our N word. Nobody gets an N word. No, you guys don't get an N word. Okay? So it's like, that's funny to me. So I'm gonna like explore on that. That's good. When you when you combined with this like, do you think a lot of comedians are going to use kind of the same jokes like the same setup performed team like because I feel like everyone's gonna say well while in Florentine blah blah blah, like, don't you think it can be kind of like, gimmicky for comedians to do that or bitches

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